It’s back to suicidal thoughts tonight. I feel unwanted, useless, hurt. I feel like a burden on people I used to rely on with no where else to turn. I had a drink before 10 am today, and smoked some pot, but after that nothing to be inebriated. In fact, today I exercised, ate, and had plenty of fluids. I even slept well yesterday. All of that said, today fucking sucks…Do I drink more? Do I take an ativan? Vicodin? A mixture of all three?
Or do I do nothing and cry myself to sleep? That sounds more like it. I have to work in the morning and can’t be sick…or dead.
I understand that, but it doesn’t stop these thoughts. I hate myself. If it’s not anxiety about health, it’s about what others think, and if it’s not that I’m depressed. I had like 5 good days so far this year….5 out of 43. That’s fucking shitty.
I have nothing positive to end this with tonight other that let’s hope tomorrow isn’t shitty too.