Getting Hopes Up

It sucks. You ever feeling pretty good, but them boom shitty mood starts creeping in. I hate that. I always get my hopes up when I start feeling good only to be let down when it crashes. 

I think latching onto a feeling and trying to hold onto it like a high only makes it worse. Trying to be something I’m not by hiding that side of me from people who care makes it worse, but I can’t just open up.

I got in an argument with my mother the other night at her house and found a bottle of pills (Paxil) that is only taken 1 1/2 of so I grabbed the bottle knowing the was enough in there, plus enough vicodin and ativan in my car to kill me, and a whole bottle of Wellbutrin. I forgot the bottle and a half of Luvox. I had a whole plan. Take all the pills and slam few Angry Orchards while sitting in the ocean. That way if the pills and booze didn’t kill me I would drown or freeze. I don’t know why my brain goes there. I don’t know how to make it stop. I’m so sick of this. 

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