Very odd. At work a joke about feeling old turned into a conversation about depression and aches and pains…and suicide. Surprisingly, the conversation wasn’t that bad. It didn’t bring emence joy, but why would it? It was nice though, to see how people view things and don’t judge. I told a coworker about thoughts and shit OCD and suicide related and she was cool with it. She offered friendly advice as well as advice coming from an EMTs view and experience.
I’m thinking it might be time to pay a psychiatrist a visit. I used to see a psychiatric nurse, but I felt misunderstood and like she took my word too easily if that makes any sense.
Here’s where the title relates: I like alcohol. What person in their 20s doesn’t play around with it a bit? I can’t drink on meds. Rationally I know because alcohol is a depressant that I should not drink when I’m in a depressed state, but why would I make a healthy choice then? Sarcasm. Psychiatric medication could help a lot. The part I’m struggling with is feeling like my problems are real enough to talk about. Feeling like I’m not a burden or a waste of time for everyone. In our conversation today, I realized that I really have no self worth. I thought of treatment (for myself) as a waste of peoples time and efforts, and a waste of money. Why do I view my life as less valuable than others? Why do I think it’s completely okay for other people to be hospitalized and medicated because they need help, but can’t accept that for myself?
I know there is more work to be done, but I don’t know where to start.